Back to NYC for some EyeBorg!

The bourgeoisie have the right idea.  I type to you today from the 7^th story fine dining facility of the Rockefeller Hotel and Club located just steps away from Rockefeller center in NYC.  Around me the suits are having power meetings, pounding away on their laptops/blackberry, and trying desperately to stay (or at least look) busy.  There’s a bar with enough booze to intoxicate the Russian army, the walls are lined with art that looks as if it was pumped out by a team of charcoal briquette wielding 4 year olds, and a very out of place “FIRST AID FOR CHOKING” poster dutifully informs while throwing off the motif entirely.

I am trying to look productive while gumming up my keyboard with raspberry sorbet, attempting the same feat of the “busy look” that these business chaps have got down solid.  I thought about ordering a Martini, to add to the aesthetic, but I relented on account of: (a) I’ve been wearing the same pants for close to two weeks (b) everything else has been hand washed in the Artesian Spring water that emerges from my hotel shower head and (c) James Bond wouldn’t sip a martini looking slovenly, and neither will I.

How I ended up here, amongst the crystal chandeliers and the business people who insure them is quite a story in itself.

You see—I picked up the phone last week and on the other end was Rob—the one eyed film maker whose Toronto based guest bedroom had served as both my laboratory and sleeping quarters for over two months.  I built him a prototype bionic eye.  Sound familiar? The Eyeborg Project? Google around for it.

He got straight to the point: “We’re going on The Today Show, don’t fuck it up.” As I was in Boston trying (unsuccessfully) to hitch a ride back to Montreal, I wasn’t really concerned if I found myself a few hundred miles to the south– especially if it meant free food and a place to crash.

Part II

The beauty of the airport is that they prep vacationers for the coming relaxation: “Please, take off your shoes, loosen your belt, and take out your most refreshing drink for a last sip—we’ll take care of disposing it for you.”  If you seem a little too stressed and not ready for the flight, the friendly bullet-proof-vest and gun toting security guards will happily administer a full body massage while quizzing you up about any hobby in fire-arms or drug trafficking you might have.  Truly a joy.

After I departed the plane, Serge the Russian driver who had (surprisingly) never been to Moscow was waiting for me with a cute little sign .  I made him pose for a picture because I’m rude like that.   Has anyone noticed how huge the inside of Lincolns are?  Incredible.

After checking into the hotel my phone rang.  Frantically Rob informed: “I’m at a jewelry store.  They have wax but it’s not that sticky.  Do you think we could melt it?”  I had given Rob a list of things he needed to purchase for the show.  We had planned to reveal the glowing LED eye on national television.  Wax was used to seal the two halves of the prosthetic eye before it was inserted into the eye socket.  Without the wax the eye would just fall apart.

Of course melting wax wasn’t going to solve much of anything.  We discussed using bubblegum.  It seemed feasible.

Rob showed up at my hotel room a few minutes later. I hadn’t seen him in over three months; we had a mini re-union that involved some high-fiving and a lot of hollering.  Rob had brought all the equipment I needed and the hotel room laboratory was setup in less than fifteen minutes.  I got to work charging the small batteries that powered the LED Eye. Rob called room service and ordered up a beer.

We made a quick run to RadioShack and proceeded to buy everything we didn’t need and completely forget the alligator clips we had gone to buy in the first place.  The phone rang and in complete dead-pan Dianne, the producer for “The Today Show,” informed: “You’re off the show. We thought you were bringing a working camera eye.” Of course we didn’t have the eye… That’s for the Eyeborg television show, not for 8AM morning news.

“Sushi?” Rob proposed.  Sushi sounded good.  “The Today Show” was covering our costs still, so why not sushi. After months of bread, cheese, and fruit– sushi sounded amazing. Rob and I were bummed, but hey—we were in NYC and we were going to make the best of it.  We chatted about visiting ground zero, how we were going to abuse room service, and how hard we planned on partying that evening now that we didn’t have to wake up at five in the morning.  As we ordered some unagi rolls the phone rang for the second time. I heard a lot of “Okay. Okay.” From Rob. “You’re going to hate me.” He said as he hung up.  “They’re cutting the interview down by five minutes and you’re getting kicked. Sorry dude.”

Part III

The funny thing about me and the glitz and glamoor that comes with television is that I really am out of the loop.  I couldn’t tell you who the hosts of “The Today Show” are, I couldn’t tell you why the crowd outside cheered when the weather guy came out to dutifully inform that “yes it is raining.”, and my response to Rob’s inquiry of “You know that was Howard Dean. Right?” after I shook some man’s hand rather casually was: “So that’s what Howard Dean looks like.”

I setup shop next to the flamboyant hair/makeup “especialist” Jim and tip toed my way around pumps, jewelry, and the unsuspecting rock star. Next to Jims fabulous hair dryer and gigantic curling iron I delicately laid my soldering iron.   Between the brushes, hair clips, and foundation I squeezed my variable power supply.  Jim questioned each object with enthusiasm.  “Is that for the video? Will that burn this place down? Is that safe?” While Jim flattened, crimped, and sizzled the locks of many—I delicately soldered together an LED eye.  We were brothers in the use of heat.

Producers flittered about, talent wandered, the security guard munched a donut and watched TV.  I charged the LED Eye’s battery and asked the stylists what kind of haircut I should get.  Rob quietly panicked and barked out orders at random that I more or less ignored or nodded to.

Rob went live and I was relegated to the green room.  Minutes before, I had sealed up the LED eye with wax and handed it to Rob.  He gingerly placed it in his socket and it flickered to life between blinks.  The mildly to severely obese mid-western family who was becoming “made over” cooed at Rob.  Rob said something super-hero-esque like “Eyeborg Away” and went live on national television.

“That’s amazing!” the fatsos announced as Rob removed his black pirate eye-patch and dazzled the world with a shiny LED Eye.

The phone started ringing when Rob walked off the set.  It was always the case when something big happened in the press.  When Reuters and the AP broke the story of Eyeborg I was literally doing an interview an hour for a week.   This time it was Rob’s sister, congratulating him on his nationally televised success.

Outside the crowd who had been waiting for the weatherman to come out and do some kind of anti-rain dance clapped and cheered when they saw Rob with his glowing LED eye.  The flashbulbs lit up our faces and Rob was asked to pose with the children of star struck parents.

I called the hotel staff “Can I checkout after 3pm? I’m with The Today Show.”  And promptly went to bed and slept and slept and slept.